so i'm sorry i haven't updated, but things have gotten much much better. who writes in xanga when they are happy anyways? it is a place to express our angst and make the rest of the world think teenagers are slit-wrist addicts. 

rick and i got back together after a long ordeal. tomorrow will be our ten months as we are still counting from our first day together, back in april.  it's so hard to believe that one year is only two months away... things are healing with him and it feels good to just be silly with him again, and to be myself.

i have been busy with rehearsals almost every night, and when i am not working backstage i am out with courtney or at rick's house. rehearsal is so fun, there are so many cool people there.  it's opened up another lock inside of me, that day-dreaming side of my that is revealed in a dramatic environment. but also that teenager trying to get out there and show herself. last night, the ceiling was leaking so kevin jumped up and poked it. he broke a tile.  chris drove braden, me, doug and creepy fat kid to the Pita Pit for dinner.  tonight we don't get a dinner break so i packed cereal, a sandwich and a water bottle to keep me going in between scene changes.

yesterday was the initial rugby meeting, and i am interested but still apprehensive.  i'm not athletically inclined at all.  but im just hoping i've found something to be dedicated to, something to be a part of. 

my new classes are pretty cool, art is probably the best though... none in particular is very amazing, but i like the comfortable environment of the art class. and the fact that i made my painting LotR-themed, that's always fun.  I'm doing pretty badly at math, I keep saying the dumbest things and finding the most stupid answers. and it's all review right now to... fscky. civics is alright because it's tres easy and there's a lot of political discussion, which i might say is a strong point of mine.  foods is annoying, though. we aren't cooking yet and it is just really laggy and gay.. she treats us like children... we put our chairs up at the end of class and we are handing in a word search for marks tomorrow. and she gave us a whole week to do a flippen' safety poster. ghey much?

i've discovered my one prejudice. i won't hold the colour of your skin against you, your gender preference, your ethnicity or your religion. i just hate stupid people.

im hitting a big downward spiral

and im pissed off, unbelievably pissed off. for no reason. it's just something to replace the pain. 

and its almost time to hurt another someone

jesus christ, i miss him so much.

Every day that goes by, I become more torn apart.  I don't understand how he can wait. I don't understand how Evan can feel guilty for making me positive, say it's his fault Rick and I broke up, and then not realize what he's doing when he says he wants to come along for the last part of our date. I don't understand how Rick can say, "We'll have time with each other before then, let him go."  How? That date is everything I can think about.  I don't have him anymore, he is no longer in my definite posession and for those few hours he will be. I need to push as much of him-time as I can into them, because after that I am alone again. 

Every part of him is amazing.  There are the imperfections, but right now I don't care because I have imperfections too. We can get past him. My stomach has hurt for a week straight.

My heart isn't bleeding anymore, it's just become a dull ache.

I want to show him what it's like to love life, even when life is out to get you. I want to show him what it's like to turn pain into something beautiful, because it's a table scrap the Gods have thrown at you. That's all life is- it's only a taste. And my purpose in it is just to show someone that. All my life, all the men I've met, that's been my only purpose.

To show someone that shoes only cover another sense from our feet,
to show someone that pain is only there so we will respect happiness.

But, no one believes me.  He doesn't believe me. Instead he's keeping himself from me. Maybe he doesn't want me. Maybe he will find someone else.  Maybe he has already moved on.

I don't know.

no such thing

There is no such thing as a stupid question.  

Then why does everybody keep asking them?

edit://  just rediscovered:  sic transit gloria(glory fades) by brand new

the song in the background is "Take a Picture" by Filter. I heard it at the gym the other day with my sister. I've been listening to it ever since.

My stepmom is beeping the phone in the background of my mind, and she has been doing so repeatedly for about 10 minutes now.  I want to yell, "STFU ALREADY" but I would be grounded. The other day she was babysitting 3-year-old Chloe.  She is convinced the child is deaf, and when people yell around children, do you know what happens?

The children yell back.

It got to the point where when she turned around, I would make very threatening gestures. The three year old was laughing at me.  I turned up the TV.

So it's been a while since I've written, and everything has been too complicated to write down.  I have a mood disorder, and when I can't write things down, that mood disorder shows.  I made it two weeks on my non-crying pact, and then started bawling when I broke up with Rick last Friday. At first I was relieved but in shock with myself, and then the grief wore in.  We're trying to start over new, but he wanted time to think and therefore we are waiting until Tuesday to go on our date.  It is hell waiting for a day that is very very far away. 

You know what the problem is? Tuesday is only a date. We aren't getting back together, for that I have to wait for him to string me along until he decides to ask me out again. And it seems like this whole thing isn't as important to him. Up until yesterday, I didn't even think he wanted to get back together with me. Every day was another heartbreak.  Then, yesterday, before my English exam- this week is exam week, and everybody writes their exams at once in the same gym, so there's like 350 people at a time in there- He kissed me on the cheek and wished me good luck. 

And I got excited about that.  Do you know how long its been? Since I've been excited about a kiss on the cheek? A very, very long time. But this tells me that he has atleast an inkling of want for Tuesday, and that makes it come about 20 times slower.